Mieaid

[Arwen]

I H    A     T    E myself.
I HATE myself.
I hate myself.
Simply and plainly I hate myself.
I hate Mieaid I hate me and I hate this writing.

imaš vso pravico do tega  kot tudi do tega, da jo objameš, da ji poveš, da jo imaš rada, dajo sprejmeš tako, kot je 

[mieaid]

imaš vso pravico do tega  kot tudi do tega, da jo objameš, da ji poveš, da jo imaš rada, dajo sprejmeš tako, kot je 

maybe v daljni prihodnosti, ko/če sploh bo Mieaid dokazala, da je tega vredno

[Arwen]

  ni treba it v daljno prihodnost... lahko ostaneš kar v sedanjosti 

bo Mieaid dokazala, da je tega vredno

JE tega vredna, JE

[mieaid]

Kokat sm si že razjasnla, da bolj ko razmišljam, bolj sm neumna. Zakaj je treba sploh razmišljat??? Pa ok, to sam tok v opozorilo, da postajam vse bolj neumna in s tem tud moji posti, jst sm se itak že sprijaznila s tem...ampak kaj me trenutno 'muči' je odkritje kaj neki sm sploh delala od prvega razreda OŠ naprej ...tak ko ravno hočeš nekomu neki svetovat, kak nasvet dat in se naenkrat zavedaš, da je to pravzaprav nasvet zate še bolj grozno je pa, da je nasvet v bistvu prazen-ja sej čist lep in resničen nasvet z eno malenkostjo-manjka recept (kot bi te sredi Afrike razjedala lakota in bi ti nek domorodec pred nos vrgel manioko ti pa ne bi imel najmanjše ideje kako to jest(surovo, olupljeno, začinjeno....)) in potem zafrustriran misliš samo še na to...ko se zvečer spraviš spat in zjutraj vstaneš z eno in isto mislijo, rešitve pa nikjer, ko te tok razjeda, čeprav veš, da je brezveze, da je ena sama misel na to tok neumno, vendar si ne morš pomagat, ne da neprestano misliš samo še nato....ko si se že odločil kaj boš storil, ukrenil in veš, da je v dani situaciji najboljša odločitev, neprestano iščeš novo rešitev, ki je ni in je nikoli ne bo. Ko se zaveš kaj počneš te je groza in strah, raztrgan si na dvoje-veš da ni prav, a veš da je v danem to najboljša možna rešitev. In se ne moreš sprijaznit. Si na razpotju med dvema potema, izbereš pa tretjo, ki je ni...in od tuki vse moje težave, ki so se začele v prvem razredu-ker za beg pred tistim, kar čutim oz. ne čutim, bi bla pripravljena nardit vse in današnja tehnologija to pravzaprav omogoča a potem pride občutek krivde, da po nepotrebnem zapravljaš čas, ki se neglede na vse noče ustavit. v ušesih ti zvoni vsaka sekunda, ki mine, vendar ne spremeni prav ničesar-prej ali slej moraš vse opraviti...čas ne reši ničesar in ko se zbudiš iz sanj, nenadoma ugotoviš, da je šlo življenje mimo tebe, ti ga pa še videl nisi kdaj in kako, ker enostavno nisi živel...čeprov so mi sanje v uteho, edino kar me spravi pokonci ko sm na tleh, ko me boli...tud jst bi rada živela......pa mislite, da se odvisnik sploh lahko kdaj dokončno pozdravi? 

[Arwen]

...pa mislite, da se odvisnik sploh lahko kdaj dokončno pozdravi? 

lahko

...in od tuki vse moje težave, ki so se začele v prvem razredu-ker za beg pred tistim, kar čutim oz. ne

prvi razred je mimo, Mieaid... in zelo močno dvomim, da (kar se je že zgodilo takrat) je samo Mieaid odgovorna za tisto... ker pri 6., 7. letih smo absolutno premladi za karkoli...

Čas bi bil, da pustiš za sabo preteklost, srce, in se posvetiš sedanjosti....

[mieaid]

ma nima veze preteklost, starost. Takat se je začel vse skupi in do dons se je Mieaid tok zakoreninla notri da se je ne da več vn spravt. Kokat sm že probala in rekla zdej pa dost, stop, tak ne gre več naprej, neki časa zdržim, pa vedno nazaj notri padem, ko da se od takat ne bi nč spremenilo. Na bruhanje mi gre tak življenje, ko sm si ga takat zbrala, pa kljub vsemu ne morm oz. ne znam drgač

[Arwen]

Na bruhanje mi gre tak življenje, ko sm si ga takat zbrala,

saj to pravim, NISI zbrala! takrat definitivno ne. Izbiraš pa lahko danes

  dons se je Mieaid tok zakoreninla notri da se je ne da več vn spravt. 

o, pa se da, s tem, da mogoče kaka pomoč strokovne osebe ni izključena

[mieaid]

Kdo pa? govorim o dogodku ki se ga zlo dobr spomnim, ok ne rečem o stvareh, ki se jih človek ne spomni, ampak to vem da je blo zavedno.


Ah Arwen ne obremenjuj se z mano, ljudje se preveč obremenjujejo z mano

[Arwen]

Brez skrbi, ni prav nobenega sledu o kakrsnemkoli obremenjevanju :-). In ne- nisi brezupen primer

[mieaid]

Vem. Sm edinstven primer

[Suzy]

Miaed si unikatna,... v mojem pogledu pozitivno!!!

     

[Arwen]

...kot smo unikatni vsi...

[mieaid]

I thought eventually everything will work out, everything will go it's way the way it has to be, the way that it will be the best for everyone, that time will resolve everything, that either way everything is going to be fine, that I am fine...well it didn't work out like I expected and every second is worse than the previous one. It's getting worse and worse and there's no way back. I can feel my death and it's slow and painful death. It started long time ago, I felt it long time ago but I turned away. Because it was easier to look away and try the 'bad luck' the next time...and the next....and the next. I always knew it was me causing all my failures, that I can't produce success carrying all things I have on the mind. Yet I ignored all my 'bad luck', because everyone has bad and good days, that no one can be perfect and most of all because it was still easier to just sit down and complain about how unfortunate person I am...everything was easier than confronting myself with others. There is a ghost inside me that's ruling my life and I am unable to see it from the inside. Sure, of course, help, get profesional help because its more than obvious that a person, who's writing something like this needs it. Of course its logical, true, the best thing to do. Very easy. I just go there, tell I have problems and take the pills. And we are all fat and happy. Yet there's just one tiny little peace to make it the worse nightmare for me: Confronting people, confronting their judgement. I'm scared of people, I'm scared they'll send me somewhere, that they will say I don't belong nor there nor here, that they will not understand me, understand that understanding me, my acts means knowing my ghost, that's leading, controling my life. Because my life was never anything else but the dance of the ghost. Every single act in my life was to avoid what I'm scared of. Why I haven't sought for help so far(realy, realy help)? Because I'm scared to death to talk about myself, to talk about what I feel, to do what I feel like to do, to decide by myself, because I know they will judge me, because I know I'm not suppose to feel what I feel, because I know they will judge me like I judge others and just for that I don't deserve to be treated the other way. Like they say-don't expect from others anything else you do to the others (or something like that). It's a circle and I can't see the end of it...must be because it's far away

Today happened something that was perhaps completly expected yet somehow till the very last moment I was expecting (naive) for some miracle...although I know there is no miracles(well at least not in my real life). I don't really wish to discus about what happened(or did not) as I perfectly know it was all my fault, it is just something that made me realise that this is the end, that this is the point I have to do something or I may as well die. Because if this is not my deepest point than no matter what happens next, life isn't worthed. I am scared to death but with the same scare I also want to end it all(either way). Perhaps that's why I'm writing in english, because I'm too scared even to write down these things in maternal language. I need changes, I need to do something...but I also bloody need words to say it is the right thing to do and I know I'm not going to get them home, because there won't come not a word of what I feel...at least not for now
Is it right if I ask for an appointment at the psychiatrist after one year not visiting him and even if I don't really know what to say? Is it right if I ask him for psychotherapist? Is it ok if I accept the pills he'll gave(because I know it's the first thing he'll do)? If I ask for help they aren't going to look me like a beeing from Mars are they? Is it the right way I'm thinking?

Mieaid

[Sofia-Del_Sati]

mieaid........... čak, da dopust vzamem.

a me hočeš fentat s to anglo? Jutri preberem, ko bom spočita, ker zdj šibam tuškat in jest pico.

drži se!

dont give up!

sofie

[Arwen]

   hvala enako 

mieaid........... čak, da dopust vzamem.

a me hočeš fentat s to anglo?

ok, se bom potrudila 

uf... upam, da sem razumela prav ... in tudi razumem, čemu angleščina  .. torej:

Is it right if I ask for an appointment at the psychiatrist after one year not visiting him and even if I don't really know what to say? Is it right if I ask him for psychotherapist? Is it ok if I accept the pills he'll gave(because I know it's the first thing he'll do)? If I ask for help they aren't going to look me like a beeing from Mars are they? Is it the right way I'm thinking?

ja, seveda ni nič narobe s tem, da človek poišče pomoč, in ne, ne bojo te gledal, kot da si z Marsa .. bi pa jaz osebno preverila prej, kateri strokovnjak bi res bil tisti pravi. Ker samo zdravila 

Today happened something that was perhaps completly expected yet somehow till the very last moment I was expecting (naive) for some miracle...although I know there is no miracles(well at least not in my real life). I don't really wish to discus about what happened(or did not) as I perfectly know it was all my fault, it is just something that made me realise that this is the end, that this is the point I have to do something or I may as well die.

hm... dvomim, da je samo tvoja krivda...

Yet there's just one tiny little peace to make it the worse nightmare for me: Confronting people, confronting their judgement. I'm scared of people, I'm scared they'll send me somewhere, that they will say I don't belong nor there nor here, that they will not understand me, understand that

tole mi je pa znano...

[mieaid]

Mieaid se zares iskreno opravičuje kr onesnažuje forum z angleščino

[mieaid]

  indeed...kaj če ravno to sekundo delam največjo napako, pa tega še ne vem, ko pa bom bo pa prepozno...

[mieaid]

da ne da ne da ne da ne d....men se je zmešal, utrgal, skučkal

[Arwen]

ej, nič opravičevat! smo pač malce potrenirali zarjavelo znanje angleščine 

in ne, ne bo se ti zmešalo, res ne.

[mieaid]

.. bi pa jaz osebno preverila prej, kateri strokovnjak bi res bil tisti pravi. Ker samo zdravila   

Tist, ki so mi ga priporočil zame...al kaj bi mogla it po seznamu in tisto ime ko se mi bolj sliši(also done that and you can't imagine what a surprise stroke me later on)...za zdravila pa tak vem...jemat sm jih začela z nezaupanjem, končalo se je pa tak da sm nehala in z zdravili in z terapijo in vsem kar pač spada zravn...